As I mature

Nihil novi sub sole

I had so many, many dreams last night. I would call them compensatory dreams as they make up for what I miss or lack in waking life. Well, in a way. I do not lack or miss too much.

Dreams help me sort out issues I have with others or just to come to terms with various situations in life. I need those dreams since handling such issues seems impossible when I am awake. Either I do not have enough of quality time or, more often, those things are painful to deal with. Or I just have no one to talk to at times. But being alone is not bad. It is definitely better that feeling lonely when in company.

I want to be friends with most of the people I know. Usually it works fine but there are always some jerks and bastards out there. They are male – I must say here. Their idea of friendship is totally warped.
If you are a woman, you cannot be friends with guys. It will never ever work.

Sooner or later the question of sex will come up and the illusion of friendship will be destroyed. This is a major issue if not the only one really.

The most annoying thing is that someone is very unfair on you. Someone judges you wrongly. That was so in my case. I had a “friend” who was away for one weekend during which his friend (who has a girlfriend – sic) wanted to do me a “favour” of a specific kind. I told that so called “friend” of mine about the situation and that the guy was not a good boyfriend or a friend either. I was told I must have provoked the situation. He defended that guy. He thinks I tried to seduce his friend or something. I was told I was the guilty party.

It is unthinkable. For me, it is unthinkable that anyone would betray his / her partner.

To me, they deserve each other’s company but not mine.

I wanted to explain but I was treated with contempt.
So be it. I do not care that much. I learn.

I know he does not deserve me. He is just a selfish and pampered guy who is unable to face any truth that may be a little bit uncomfortable. Whatever his reasoning may be, I do not care any more.

I know what I am worth.

He is not willing to try to understand the situation. I also know he is incapable of understanding. I almost feel pity.

I was dumped by my ex long time ago. He first betrayed. Then he came to regret ever dumping me. That is his loss. I moved forward and I learnt. I have no regrets.

I dumped once and I learnt too. I have no regrets about that either since someone could not take my side again his mother. I had to move out and move on.

From every relationship or encounter I learn something. I move forward after. I get stronger as well. I change for the better. My close friend told me, we get as much pain as we can take and we learn from every experience. To learn that my ex wanted to commit suicide was not easy either. He did not kill himself after all. Still, the entire situation was hard to bear. I got over it though. Dreaming helped me too. Dreams are healing.

Good friends are helpful as well.

I also know that once I was hurt, no one ever will hurt me again. Probably in any way. Not any more.

I had lots of dreams last night about travels and about packing. I liked that feeling I had during the night – the feeling associated with being on the move, planning, and excitement. Planning a longer getaway. I booked my flights to another European country yesterday so hence those dreams as well. I am going on holidays in about three months' time and am genuinely looking forward to it.

The other dreams were about protecting me against abuse and deceit. No matter how well veiled the intentions of a person, I will not be fooled.

Yesterday I went to an accountant to have my taxes sorted and there were some unwanted advances and invitations on his part. What was he thinking? I would have no problems reporting an abuse no matter what.

What is wrong with you guys? I wanted to pay in cash for having the accounts done. I could not. I was told not to. It is like buying me. I abhor it. Asking me to do “innocent” typing made me run away for miles. I will never enter that Chartered Accountants’ office again.

Would you think I provoked him? Probably some of you will. That was not the case.

I cannot help the fact I am attractive. I cannot help that 100% guys think with their lower part of the body rather than the upper one.

I am different than your expectations of me. I am much more that what you behold.

TIME

Nulla dies sine linea

I wish I had time to write at least one line every day - one sentence. Writing one sentence is a small step. It may also be thought to be a giant leap if you think that one sentence must inevitably lead to another. A few sentences make a paragraph; a number of paragraphs would become a chapter. A book consists of chapters. It’s so simple.

Yet, it is so difficult. It all starts with just one sentence that I wish I had time to write. Each day = one sentence. There is no opportunity at times. There is no inspiration at other times. The worst thing is the mundane reality of work, shopping, college, and study.

I want time off because time is running out. One line a day. One significant change a day. One does not need take this Latin proverb literally. It may be just moment when I am being happy or when someone I know is being happy. It must be something different every day otherwise there is just a terrible, tragic boredom and waste.

Carpe diem, carpe noctem.

The Frames

You're telling me I should forget you
But why
You're talking like I never knew you
But that’s a lie
You're playing out your games again
You're never on my side
You're telling me I should forget you

Come on the guys are fake
What do you love him for
And it was my mistake
Kicking in his door
And if its just a game
Then what are we crying for

You're telling me I will regret you
And so
You're talking like I should expect to
But you'll never know
He's left you in the rain again
You're always on my mind
You're telling me I should forget you

Come on the guys are fake
What do you love him for
And it was my mistake
Kicking in his door
And if its just a game
Then what are we crying for

Come on the guys are fake
What do you love him for
And it was my mistake
Kicking in his door
And if its just a game
Then what are we crying for

You're telling me I should forget you
Oh no

Six Nations Rugby

Brilliant match.

Photo - courtesy of irishrugby

Bloody Sunday 1920

Dublin were scheduled to play Tipperary on November 21st, 1920. On the night before the match the leader of the Irish revolutionary forces Michael Collins had ordered the assassination of the "Cairo Gang'', 14 British intelligence officers sent to infiltrate his organisation under the guise of commercial travellers. In revenge, one of the British auxiliaries involved in the operation recalled that they tossed a coin over whether they would go on a killing spree in Croke Park or loot O'Connell Street instead.

Despite the unease in the city on the morning of November 21st, some 10,000 spectators went to Croke Park for the match.

The ball was thrown in by referee Mick Sammon from Kildare at 2.45 pm. Shortly afterwards an airplane flew over the ground and a red flare was shot from the cockpit. Black and Tans then raided the ground and an officer on top of the wall fired a revolver shot.

The crowd thought at first they were firing blanks but then machine gunfire was fired in increasing volume. The crowd stampeded towards the Railway wall, furthest from the gunfire.

Two of the players, Michael Hogan and Jim Egan, failed to make it off the pitch. A young Wexford man who attempted to whisper an act of contrition into the dying Hogan's ear was also shot dead.

The casualties included Jeannie Boyle, who had gone to the match with her fiancee and was due to be married five days later, and 14-year-old John Scott, so mutilated that they thought he had been bayoneted to death. Another two victims were aged 10 and 11 respectively.

The authorities released the following statement to the newspapers: A number of men came to Dublin on Saturday under the guise of asking to attend a football match between Tipperary and Dublin. But their real intention was to take part in the series of murderous outrages which took place in Dublin that morning. Learning on Saturday that a number of these gunmen were present in Croke Park, the crown forces went to raid the field. It was the original intention that an officer would go to the centre of the field and speaking from a megaphone, invite the assassins to come forward. But on their approach, armed pickets gave warning. Shots were fired to warn the wanted men, who caused a stampede and escaped in the confusion.

my source

"Notes on a Scandal"

Notes on a Scandal (2006) - Andrew Simpson, Cate Blanchett

The movie is based on a book by Zoe Heller.

I went to the cinema last night to see it. I must say that was not a brilliant movie. It would not recommend it wholeheartedly. To me it lacked conviction for most of the time. Especially performance by Judi Dench was lacking everything. No tour de force this time. The only thing I found easy to believe in was the passion between the teacher Sheba (Cate Blanchett) and her teenage student Steven Conolly (Andrew Simpson). Real sparks for me there...

What a sexy accent he has by the way (he was born in Londonderry, Northern Ireland).

Gabriel Garcia Marquez, Love in the Time of Cholera

As today is such a very special day … here is something on love … a disease … that will kill you in the end … so you better avoid the risk as well as you can … as there "ain't no cure for love” …


"Love as an emotional and physical disease"
García Márquez’ main notion is that lovesickness is a literal illness, a disease comparable to cholera. Florentino Ariza suffers from this just as he might suffer from any malady. At one point, Florentino conflates his physical agony with his amorous agony when he vomits after eating flowers in order to imbibe Fermina's scent. In the final chapter, the Captain's declaration of metaphorical plague is another manifestation of this. The term cholera as it is used in the Spanish, Cólera, can also denote human rage and ire. It is this second meaning to the title that manifests itself both on the level of Florentino Ariza's hatred for Doctor Juvenal Urbino's marriage to Fermina, as well as the theme of social strife and warfare that serves as a backdrop to the entire story. Gabriel García Márquez thus extends the theme of love as a disease in the socio-political context." [from Wikipedia]

Happy Valentine's Day

At the moment I am reading a book Sex in History by Reay Tannahill. It is an interesting read for me as a feminist and just a woman. It is a rather thorough study of relationship between the sexes and it also touches upon the question of equality / lack of it between them (women of course were for the most part the disadvantaged sex - the second sex as Simone de Beauvoir would call it) . A very good thing for someone single on Valentine’s day … just joking – it is good on any other day as well – this book I mean :)

Here is a review of the book from the Time Magazine.

Il Duomo - interior

Il Duomo

There is plenty to see in Milan - I know that is not a very original statement. I am posting just a few pics. There are just too many to choose from. I had great time but I did not go to San Siro Stadium. It was closed because of the riots after the match in Catania on February 2nd.

Duomo Cathedral - fragment of the main doors.

Interior - too massive to take in. Must be seen.

Milan 2007

First things first -
the view of the Alps from the plane.

Italy

I just got back from Milan on Monday. I will write about that trip later. I have caught the travelling bug though and am planning another getaway already. Italy is in the spotlight but I may go to some Scandinavian countries too. And out of curiosity I might also visit Calcata - see above. Calcutta may be later still :-) (the attached photo - courtesy of NYTimes)