Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Nihil novi sub sole

I had so many, many dreams last night. I would call them compensatory dreams as they make up for what I miss or lack in waking life. Well, in a way. I do not lack or miss too much.

Dreams help me sort out issues I have with others or just to come to terms with various situations in life. I need those dreams since handling such issues seems impossible when I am awake. Either I do not have enough of quality time or, more often, those things are painful to deal with. Or I just have no one to talk to at times. But being alone is not bad. It is definitely better that feeling lonely when in company.

I want to be friends with most of the people I know. Usually it works fine but there are always some jerks and bastards out there. They are male – I must say here. Their idea of friendship is totally warped.
If you are a woman, you cannot be friends with guys. It will never ever work.

Sooner or later the question of sex will come up and the illusion of friendship will be destroyed. This is a major issue if not the only one really.

The most annoying thing is that someone is very unfair on you. Someone judges you wrongly. That was so in my case. I had a “friend” who was away for one weekend during which his friend (who has a girlfriend – sic) wanted to do me a “favour” of a specific kind. I told that so called “friend” of mine about the situation and that the guy was not a good boyfriend or a friend either. I was told I must have provoked the situation. He defended that guy. He thinks I tried to seduce his friend or something. I was told I was the guilty party.

It is unthinkable. For me, it is unthinkable that anyone would betray his / her partner.

To me, they deserve each other’s company but not mine.

I wanted to explain but I was treated with contempt.
So be it. I do not care that much. I learn.

I know he does not deserve me. He is just a selfish and pampered guy who is unable to face any truth that may be a little bit uncomfortable. Whatever his reasoning may be, I do not care any more.

I know what I am worth.

He is not willing to try to understand the situation. I also know he is incapable of understanding. I almost feel pity.

I was dumped by my ex long time ago. He first betrayed. Then he came to regret ever dumping me. That is his loss. I moved forward and I learnt. I have no regrets.

I dumped once and I learnt too. I have no regrets about that either since someone could not take my side again his mother. I had to move out and move on.

From every relationship or encounter I learn something. I move forward after. I get stronger as well. I change for the better. My close friend told me, we get as much pain as we can take and we learn from every experience. To learn that my ex wanted to commit suicide was not easy either. He did not kill himself after all. Still, the entire situation was hard to bear. I got over it though. Dreaming helped me too. Dreams are healing.

Good friends are helpful as well.

I also know that once I was hurt, no one ever will hurt me again. Probably in any way. Not any more.

I had lots of dreams last night about travels and about packing. I liked that feeling I had during the night – the feeling associated with being on the move, planning, and excitement. Planning a longer getaway. I booked my flights to another European country yesterday so hence those dreams as well. I am going on holidays in about three months' time and am genuinely looking forward to it.

The other dreams were about protecting me against abuse and deceit. No matter how well veiled the intentions of a person, I will not be fooled.

Yesterday I went to an accountant to have my taxes sorted and there were some unwanted advances and invitations on his part. What was he thinking? I would have no problems reporting an abuse no matter what.

What is wrong with you guys? I wanted to pay in cash for having the accounts done. I could not. I was told not to. It is like buying me. I abhor it. Asking me to do “innocent” typing made me run away for miles. I will never enter that Chartered Accountants’ office again.

Would you think I provoked him? Probably some of you will. That was not the case.

I cannot help the fact I am attractive. I cannot help that 100% guys think with their lower part of the body rather than the upper one.

I am different than your expectations of me. I am much more that what you behold.

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