dark night

I could not sleep the night two days ago because of guilty conscience. So I was thinking about different things – about evil too. Am I really evil deep down? – I don’t think so. But nevertheless something bad happened because of me. I regret that happening I would do everything to turn back the clock. Get my legs chopped off if that would help. Yeah. Well, now I will live with that I guess. I have no choice really except to tell the truth to the one involved and hope for understanding and forgiveness.

I tried to think about something else that night too. My little town … made me think about Truman Show movie.

Here he is – Truman Burbank – in the perfect little town surrounded by phoney people – actors (well chosen for their roles). His little life is directed in every detail without him knowing it. Of course he does find out about the plot at some stage and plays along till the time comes to break free. The escape is kind of dramatic but controlled by “the guy above” Christof (played by Ed Harris) who lets him go in the end.
Obvious but funny enough – it is a movie within a movie. There is one director on the inside – Christof – and one director on the outside – Peter Weir. Actors’ performance is double – they play in the show directed by Christof and in the movie directed by Weir.

Christof controls whom Truman may see or may not meet - look up the keywords: girl from the library and Fiji. Christof decides who enters the set.

What am I getting at here?

Well, rule of directing does not apply in my little town. Anyone can enter “the set”. Anyone can leave who does not like it. And anyone here can meet anyone else. I won’t be looking ;-) I just hope you will enjoy your stay however short or long it may be.

But back to that idea TS movie gave me that night about directing … Is it the same with my life and yours as well? Is my life directed in every detail and I have no control over what happens? Or do I have that control and freedom of movement and the evil arises when I forfeit that freedom? When mind is asleep, demons awaken (my free translation). There is such a painting

by Francisco de Goya :

The sleep of reason brings forth monsters

So anyway my mind fell asleep some time ago and some demons crawled from deep abysses. I was not in control any more even though I heard a voice telling me to stop. I did not listen. Somehow I could not and I am still pondering it. Why? My mind is awake now and the demons asleep. But it is too late now.

Now it just makes me want to turn to

William Blake

He is dark enough but there is still some strange hope twinkling in his writings. Explanation may lie in his sketches. I mean the hope of understanding human nature of course. Explanation of evil. Fight between good and evil as well. I will post an update if I find some answers but it may take some time.

Just before I leave – an image by WB: