I had another very bad time last night but it was deserved. I told the truth and that is it. Bitter truth. The truth I don’t like. But there is nothing I can do about it any more.
Evil is so evil because it is not reversible here. I am evil then and I don’t like it either.
But I am not able to explain why I did it. I will not revert to Blake in search of explanation. That would be useless since I cannot take anything back of what happened.
I like William Blake’s sketches, writings and his visionary mythology appeals to me. It depicts a “darker” side of human nature but it also gives a hope. I know little about Francisco de Goya but both he and Blake were romanticists and they both created dark and disturbing images. After a fitful night I will not go into details here as Blake’s writings are just complex. But they are one of my interests and I still can follow it in free time.
So the point is – I did evil and I ruined another person’s life. Awareness of that makes my life hard enough but it is deserved. I cannot reverse what happen.
So I want to follow my passions and enjoy them while I still can. I may be thought of as a shallow person – so be it.
Another passion I have – that of “following the Goddess” – gives me quite a thrill. I was very excited to see Sheela na Gig in the Bunratty Castle near Limerick. That was the first Sheela I could really see and touch. And that really felt good. This has been my passion for a good few years and that is the major reason I decided to create my blog.
I know evil can be thought of as weakness. I am weak and I also like clinging. It can be clinging to hope, to dreams, to an idea of future. It is also clinging to hobbies and passions in my case.
The Show Must Go on.
Inside my heart is breaking, my make-up may be flaking but …
I cling on.
Yes, it is a song by Queen (of course they do not sing “cling on”). I listened to it last night but not to the version by Queen. It is also on Moulin Rouge soundtrack. I like some of the songs on the soundtrack.
Last but not least, last night and this morning I felt like listening to Cohen’s Alexandra Leaving because of the lyrics. “A fitful dream, the morning will exhaust” seems quite a relevant sentence. I had a fitful dream last night but now it is a bit of a waking nightmare so I cannot hope morning would help me out but still I don’t know why morning makes bad things look different. Maybe it makes the bad look less hopeless after all and it maybe my clinging nature that makes me write so.
Even more relevant seems the line about the coward’s explanation. I was a coward and I don’t even know why I did what I did. Referring to songs does not help here. It may just help me sort out my feelings a bit. But now it really feels more like “The Thousand Kisses Deep.”
I saw there were no oceans left For scavengers like me.
LEONARD COHEN lyrics - "Alexandra Leaving"
Suddenly the night has grown colder.
The god of love preparing to depart.
Alexandra hoisted on his shoulder,
They slip between the sentries of the heart.
Upheld by the simplicities of pleasure,
They gain the light, they formlessly entwine;
And radiant beyond your widest measure
They fall among the voices and the wine.
It’s not a trick, your senses all deceiving,
A fitful dream, the morning will exhaust –
Say goodbye to Alexandra leaving.
Then say goodbye to Alexandra lost.
Even though she sleeps upon your satin;
Even though she wakes you with a kiss.
Do not say the moment was imagined;
Do not stoop to strategies like this.
As someone long prepared for this to happen,
Go firmly to the window. Drink it in.
Exquisite music. Alexandra laughing.
Your firm commitments tangible again.
And you who had the honor of her evening,
And by the honor had your own restored –
Say goodbye to Alexandra leaving;
Alexandra leaving with her lord.
Even though she sleeps upon your satin;
Even though she wakes you with a kiss.
Do not say the moment was imagined;
Do not stoop to strategies like this.
As someone long prepared for the occasion;I
n full command of every plan you wrecked –
Do not choose a coward’s explanation
that hides behind the cause and the effect.
And you who were bewildered by a meaning;
Whose code was broken, crucifix uncrossed –
Say goodbye to Alexandra leaving.
Then say goodbye to Alexandra lost.
Say goodbye to Alexandra leaving.
Then say goodbye to Alexandra lost.
So it is bye for now.
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